It's not exactly 'trapped'. More like, I have no idea why the hell my life took such a turn that I have to work part-time in the retail line.
My mom isn't happy, as she argues that why does a diploma holder have to resort back to retail, which ANYBODY can do. Though she might sound mean, but after thinking back, I know she means well for me.
Afterall, retail & being a stewardess is a far cry away, isn't it?
One grateful thing (besides the pay) that I've gotten from HUGO is friendship.
We're like comrades, supporting & helping each other, cheering everybody on whenever the day goes bad.
Like last night for example, we incidentally went for another drinking session at Plush Bar @ Raffles Place.
(I had initially intended to go Clarke Quay to find Puma & Tatiana, who's visiting from Finland. However, by some course of misunderstanding, I gave up trying to meet.)
I don't know if it's that my alcohol tolerance is low, but on almost every outing that we drank, I cried.
Most of the reasons was still self-pity about my plight (Plush Bar's location is a constant reminder of my failed JQ medical).
Last night, I really broke down. I remembered what was the topic Nash & I were talking about:
our life's greatest regrets.
& immediately, my mind automatically linked back to plight-SIA-yuanxiang.
& I've never told anyone since her death (except for my clique when we all went for counselling), about the biggest regret I have towards Yx.
I cannot do anything to restore the situation that we were trapped in during year 2. My shoulders felt so deflated each time my mind wanders to my lost friend.
& just when I thought that the least I could do was to complete our promise, my own body just didn't listen.
I've never seen her in my dreams.
Not since the night that she passed on, a moth sat in front of me as I woke up crying. How I wish sometimes that she can appear & tell me 'It's okay, I know you've tried', and then I would just feel a little better & my shoulders can regain its strength.
Gilbert says that crying once I drank alcohol is bad, because it means most of the time I'm acting strong & holding everything in. Under the influence of alcohol, all my real emotions show: sorrow, guilt & emptyness.
I guess my drinking khakis are scared of me now. I promised them that I wouldn't drink.....for at least a week more.
(P.S: I am still keeping that regret as a secret.)
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